Electric Sheep
by Jennifer Hack
Summary: Picks up right where Episode III left off. The Elsa crew, in search of Lost Jerusalem, ends up... well, somewhere else.


Electric Sheep

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Notes: I wrote a Xenosaga humor fic... again. This one takes place after the ending of Episode III and doesn't continue off of 'Potentially Problematic'. Please review! I tend to finish things quicker when people tell me things.

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Electric Sheep

(00 – Prelude/Stowaway)

(1)

"Are you alright, Jr.?" Shion asked. The URTV had been looking very sullen for the past half-hour as he stared through the window of the Elsa Bar into open space. In fact, he may not have even been blinking. He was so sullen that he hadn't even touched his plate of Hostess Cakes and bacon flavoured marshmallows – his favorite meal.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Shion inquired.

"Not really." Jr. shrugged, not taking his eyes off the expanse of stars that lay out before them.

"Come on, something's bothering you." She insisted. "Is it Momo?" Shion asked gently. Jr. looked at her and swallowed.

"I don't know how long we'll be gone. I'm worried about her… I'm worried if she'll be ok without me there." Jr. looked back up at the stars.

"I know what would make you feel better!" Shion smiled. "I made some curry – do you want any?"

"No, thank you." Jr. sighed loftily. "I've already had diarrhea."

"Shion – It's Dr. Mizrahi!" Hammer burst into the room suddenly. "She wants to talk to you two right away!"

"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" Shion immediately looked concerned.

"Well, ah… it's about Momo." Hammer scratched at the back of his head nervously.

"Momo?" Jr. turned around quickly and ran to the bridge.

(2)

"Hello everyone-" Juli Mizrahi began.

"What's happened to Momo?" Jr. demanded.

"Well…" Dr. Mizrahi began. "She's just… not here."

"You mean she was kidnapped?" Shion gasped.

"Again?" Hammer grumbled. "Ow!" He yelped suddenly as Matthews kicked the back of his chair.

"I was hoping she might have contacted you."

"You mean she… ran away?" Jr. was confused. "I thought she was supposed to help build that new network?"

"Well, we didn't really need the help." Mizrahi explained. "We just needed her to get the rest of the staff gourmet coffees. Now that she's not here anymore I'm going to have to actually pay someone to do it."

"CHIEEEEEF!!" Allen ran out onto the bridge carrying his luggage, screaming hysterically. "My luggage is _breathing_!" He said, tossing the bag as far away from himself as possible.

"OW!" The duffel bag exclaimed, and then began groaning in pain.

At that exact moment, there was a horrible scratching sound of metal on metal, followed by an explosion. The Elsa began to spin out of control.

"Captain! What the hell is going on?" Jr. demanded.

"Looks like one helluva bird just got stuck into the engine!" Captain Matthews explained.

"But Captain, we're in outer space!" Hammer whined.

"Don't argue with me! I'm in charge!" Matthews kicked Hammer's chair again. "You!" He pointed at Allen. "Go check on the engine willya?"

"But what about my suitcase?" Allen whined.

"Just go!" Matthews barked. Allen looked like he might cry, but he left anyway.

"I can't…breathe…" The duffel bag choked.

"Hmm…" Hammer sighed. "That duffel bag sounds just like Momo!"

"It IS Momo!" Shion gasped, opening the bag.

"Where am I? Am I in the future? Things are very shiny here!" Momo wondered aloud.

"Maybe the lack of oxygen got to her brain or something." Tony suggested.

"Momo what are you doing! You're mother is worried sick about you!" Jr. said loudly.

"Who's Momo?" Momo asked.

"Oh Geez!" Jr. smacked his forehead. "She forgot her own name!"

"I think I would remember that name because it sounds very silly." Momo shrugged.

"Chief!" Allen's image came up on the communications line. "You're not gonna believe this – you should get down here right away!"

(3)

"KOS-MOS??" Shion shrieked. "What happened to your arms? And your legs?"

The android remained unresponsive.

"Look! A sleeping person!" Momo pointed, her finger shaking excitedly.

"Momo… I don't think KOS-MOS is sleeping." Allen placed his hands on the little girl's shoulders.

"Oh. That's good – because I don't think its naptime."

"Do you think we can fix her?" Shion asked Allen.

"Yeah, but we're gonna have to get her to the Professor's lab." Allen said, and attempted to lift all that remained of KOS-MOS. "S-she's too… heavy… I – I can't lift her!" Allen gasped.

"Move over!" Jr. stood next to Allen and attempted to help him, but was unsuccessful.

"If Ziggy was here… this would be much easier…" Allen said in between gasps.

"Screw it! She's too heavy!" Jr. gave up. "There's got to be something else we can use… like a forklift."

"Where are we gonna get a forklift in outer space?"

"Okay where does the not-sleeping person go?" Momo asked, and Allen and Jr. turned around.

"Wh-what?" Jr. looked at the little Realian in awe, who was effortlessly carrying around an android that weighed close to 2 tons.

(4)

"So what do you think professor?" Shion asked. "Is there a chance we might be able to get KOS-MOS running again?"

"What do you think, Assistant Scott?" The professor turned to consult his subordinate as Allen and Shion began making repairs. Jr. and Momo stood nearby, not really doing anything.

"Well, I think we can manage it." Scott said, putting on a pair of gloves. "We should probably start by rebooting her central AI."

"AI…" Momo wondered aloud. "What's the 'A' stand for?"

"Artificial." Shion answered helpfully.

"Oh. What's the…"

"Intelligence." Shion snapped quickly. She was busy.

"…What's the 'A' again?"

"Look – KOS-MOS is starting up again!" The Professor beamed.

"Now we just have to make some new arms and legs." Scott smiled anyway.

"KOS-MOS!!" Shion smiled and hugged the android that she had helped repair.

"Good morning Shion. Before you begin exterior frame repairs I would like to request a garment that covers a larger percentage of my exterior frame than previous versions."

"Okay KOS-MOS." Shion smiled and wiped a tear from her eye. "I'm so happy… that you're alright."

"I don't know. I kind of liked her old outfits." Chaos commented from the door.

"Chaos!" Jr. smiled. "But wait – I thought you left…"

"Isn't it weird how stuff blows up and we die and somehow we never get separated?" Momo asked.

"But wait… Jin's not with you?" Shion asked.

"Oh, no. Jin's totally dead." Chaos explained.

"Anyway, it'll take a while for KOS-MOS to finish rebooting…" Scott said. "SO I'd probably be best if you all leave and we finish building replacement appendages."

"I want to help!!" Momo's hand shot up in the air.

"Alright assistant number 4." Professor pumped his fist up in the air. "First I need to you retrieve the A-line protocol."

Assistant Scott grabbed Momo's arm and pulled her aside. "Listen, if you're going to be working for the professor, there is one phrase that you should use as often as possible: 'It was like that when I got here'."

(5)

"Hammer – what is that strange mass approaching the Elsa?" Shelly asked, looking over Hammer's shoulder. Hammer was nervous at being in such close proximity to a female.

"Um… I actually have no idea. I hadn't noticed. Thanks for pointing that out." Hammer laughed nervously.

"No problem. We are both underappreciated navigators, and need to watch out for each other." Shelly smiled. Hammer smiled.

And then there was an explosion.


End file.
